unquenchablecuriosity

Lately, there has been no one to talk to. How can I talk to anyone when I feel so out of place? I have been trying to talk about it, and even with people that I have no business talking to, but I know now that even that can't heal what is inside of me. What is going on inside is more than words, is more than tears, is more than fear. I wish I could just climb out the window and hitch a ride to somewhere, which doesn't make sense, but I just like to imagine that I'm a 16 year old girl running away with nothing behind her to stop her from running. I feel like I have so many anchors in my life, so many things that weigh me down to the point where I can't even budge. I don't even think I'm necessarily scared of the future, but I am scared of the person I will become. I already feel myself slipping away from the person I was. Sure, she was flawed, a little more than most people, because she didn't fear showing who she truly was. And sure, she was too desperate for love and yet afraid of commitment, and she was never satisfied, but there was good stuff too. She would spend nights alone looking up at the stars, and spend afternoons looking out at the reservoir reading Emily Dickinson. She could speak her mind, and most importantly, she wasn't afraid to feel, even if it was pain. So many nights, I lay awake and miss the girl I used to be. I grew up too fast, but at the point I grew up, I decided to stop growing and stay true to myself. I was her for so many years, and now I feel her slipping. So many people wear so many faces as they grow up, becoming one face when they are eight and turning into something else entirely when they turn thirteen. I never had those faces, I just had one, for so long, and now I'm someone else. I don't even think I really like the new face. She's respectable around others, even strangers. She shuns away her past, those who used to love her she wipes from her mind like any other person. She doesn't look at the stars anymore. I think I'm more lonely than I ever was now, because I don't even like my own company. I have to look back into old books I love or notebooks I wrote, so that I can feel better. The worst part about this feeling is that no one can ease this. I could search for the most empathetic heart, and it would not help. I have talked to a few people, but even though I will feel good at the time I talk to them, I have found myself slipping back even more, and feeling even worse than I used to, because bringing up the memories just shows how far away I've gone and how much I almost desire to go back to who I was. I thought I was ready to move on and grow up, but who am I kidding? No matter what happens as I grow up, I know I will always regret rejecting the me I started out with. I love the quote in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, when a guy talking to Oscar says, "The mistakes I made are dead to me, but I can't take back the things I never did." I think that is so true. We can forgive what we did, but we can't forgive ourselves for those accomplishments we never dared to try, or never taking up the fight for authenticity instead of conformity. I don't know who I will grow up to be, but I know now that despite ALL of my faults as a kid, even though I am upset and rather embarrassed at some of the stupid decisions I made, I am at least proud that I never compromised who I was to make my circumstances easier or lie to avoid confrontation. Writing this down may ease some of it, maybe, just knowing that it is out there for anyone since talking to someone doesn't work, and rarely works. I think this is why writers are the crazy people they are. Only writers need this constant release, and only fools would write for any other reason.